My sister is a mystery to me.

I can’t understand how she leads her life. 

And I’m sure she thinks the same about me.

But she seems to live without passion. I have never witnessed her love something. I love so much. I love so many things so much that it makes me cry. It’s important to have passion in your life. What gets you through if you have no passion? 

She also has this horrible thing where she can’t be alone. She, like my mother, has never been without a boyfriend. Loneliness is hard and it hurts a lot sometimes but it’s not better to throw yourself at anyone and call it love just so you don’t have to spend a few months or years by yourself. There is nothing wrong with spending time in your room just listening to music or reading or learning or even crying. Life is a terribly painful thing to have to go through but it’s gonna be even harder if you can’t face yourself, if you can’t just sit and be by yourself for a while. Learn to be alone because it’s gonna happen no matter what.

Darlin, I can feel the world is coming to an end

And I crawl into bed

And I can feel the emptiness just spread

Over me, over me, over me

Darlin, I can feel all of space and time going on

and on and on and I don’t know where I am or why

As I crawl out of bed 

I can see the sun rising over my head

And the day drags on, on, on

I don’t hear a word anyone has said

Can’t you believe that the world is coming to it’s end?

Is Time finite? Or will it go on forever? I used to think it doesn’t really exist, that we humans invented it to make things easier. And, in a way, that way of thinking is right. And not right at the same time.

Time for me is finite. I will not go on forever. Not as I am now. When I die I will go into the earth and what I am made of will go on as time goes on. I am made of stars, as are you, as is everything around us. We are star stuff, even when we die. Our bodies are star stuff that will go into other star stuff.

Though I am very young, I feel very old. Which is a strange thing to feel in such a universe. A universe that is unbelievably old and will continue to age for an unforeseeable time. Time is strange for me. Time is scary for me. Do you ever think about how much time has gone by since the universe was created? And how much time will go by before it ends, if it ends?

It’s hard to believe that my existence is important, or that anyone’s is important. Even the great men and women that do incredible things for mankind. How are they important, in the grand scheme of things? When one day we will most likely all die out and the universe will just keep going and going and going? 

Why do I dwell on the horrors of my past? Why am I terrified of my future? How can I let these things bother me so much when my life will have not been worth anything?

I’m like a really pathetic version of ‘the other woman’ and it makes me hate myself and I can’t really stop.

In your arms I am so light

I float away

Far away from you

Until I am with the clouds and

I watch you

Spinning below me

in perfect circles with your

arms reaching out 

to find me

but I am above you

And you will never hold me again

God ain’t here. God is in the mountains and the trees, the wind, the rain, and the clouds. I’m afraid the closest thing to a religious experience I will ever have is when I am in some place that is so completely beautiful that it’s overwhelming. I don’t know when I will be in that place(s) because I am too afraid to do anything. Like my sister said earlier, the person I want to be is at war with the person I am. And that makes me sad.